http://internal-hope.livejournal.com/ .these.days. - LiveJournal.com Thu, 08 Mar 2007 02:08:35 GMT LiveJournal / LiveJournal.com internal_hope 12381093 personal http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/58884968/12381093 http://internal-hope.livejournal.com/ 100 64 http://internal-hope.livejournal.com/530.html Thu, 08 Mar 2007 02:08:35 GMT http://internal-hope.livejournal.com/530.html This is my very first entry here at live journal. I've decided that perhaps being involved in a community will help me deal with my ED. I need as much support as I can get. <br />Talking about my body is the scariest thing for me. I hate telling people how much I weigh because I'm so fat, it's embarrassing. As for my diet and exercise regime, I eat very healthy, however over the past semester I've been consuming way too many calories. This needs to stop. Since I started university I've gained 15 lbs. I need to lose it, plus more. I feel so disgusting. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore.<br />The thing I have been finding the hardest is sex. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. And we only see eachother once every two or three weeks. Before I couldn't way to have sex with him. I was so excited and it to it. I would go out and buy sexy lingerie, and learn new moves just to impress him. And it made me feel great. But now that I've gained all this weight, I can't stand it him seeing my naked body, all dimply, and fat. It's disgusting. I feel like a whale. I can feel my double chin&nbsp; as I'm typing this, just sitting there. God why am I so f**king weak. I need serious help. I need someone who will tell me I'm fat, and tell me I need to get off my ass and lose weight. I want to be skinny.<br /><br />So here are the facts.<br /><br />My current weight: 165 lbs (omg)<br />lowest weight: 125<br />highest weight: 165<br />goal weight: 115<br />height: 6'3''<br />ED: anorexia/bulimia and I also suffer from clinical depression.<br /><br />Today I ate so much, stress does this to me. i'm so disappointed in myself.<br /><br />breakfeast: 2 boiled egg whites<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1 cup of apple juice<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1 cup lowfat yougrt<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1/2 grapefruit<br />Lunch: Spinach wrap<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp; light mayo &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1/2 slice of cheese&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1 tbsp crab<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; lettuce<br />snack: 1 cup of coffee<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1 tsp of&nbsp; 2% milk<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1 tsp sweetner<br />Dinner: 2 fajita's w. tsp of sour cream <br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; fries (argghhhhhhh)&nbsp; <br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1 tsp ketchup<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 1 cup sherbert<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 3 cookies<br />water: 6 cups&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Exercise: none. (on my feet all day.... pfft still doesn't count though.)<br /><br /><br />So there it is, i want to throw up just thinking about it. No wonder I'm so f**king fat. <br /><br />I need some thinspiration. Tomorrow is a new day. my goal is 900 calories. I'm afraid I'll get too sick if go too low.<br />wish me luck. http://internal-hope.livejournal.com/530.html infuriated public 0